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10 June 2010 @ 12:29 am
crack!fic: you'll all be very sorry  
This is a ficlet which originated in a lolarious comment thread.  Please do not take it too seriously.  Or at all seriously.  And don't come after me with pitchforks (because then I'm just going to blame sholio for putting the idea into my head).

Title: You'll All Be Very Sorry (or, Ronon's Post-Trinity Story)
Word count: 1100
Warnings: Severe angst, melodrama, and light purple prose


Ronon often wished that the Lanteans were more like Satedans. For instance, Satedans didn't hold grudges. Arguments were settled quickly and cleanly, and, since clearly the ancestors had favoured the winner, there was then no more need to speak of the incident. Granted, in some cases it could take a few years to actually get to the quick clean fight (such as when one had been captured and made a Runner) and so the incident had to be kept fresh in the mind in case the anticipation lessoned, but that was hardly the point.

The Lanteans, on the other hand, seemed to have an indefinitely long build-up, and then no actual fight at the end of it all to make it worthwhile. There were just sidelong glances in the halls and in the mess, and curt rejections of sparring offers.

He had tried to bring it up with Teyla, to see if she could offer some explanation, but he had just been brushed off. "I believe it is a practice called shunning," she had said. "It is considered a suitable punishment for when one has betrayed a trust."

Which was unfair and ridiculous. So he had done wrong by Teyla, but he had expected the matter to be finished there and then, not that news of his actions and an accompanying contempt would somehow spread around the whole city. Now he was being systematically shunned. It wasn't pleasant. He hadn't realised how much he had missed human company during his time on the run until it had been returned to him and then cruelly snatched away again.

What made matters more unfair was that McKay had apparently blown up most of a solar system while he and Teyla had been gone, yet was suffering from no consequences at all. John especially, once he had stopped shouting, was being very understanding. Ronon had witnessed the two of them sneaking off to the pier with a crate of alcohol to lament the loss of the super-weapon which had so nearly been within their grasp. "It was only a few dead rocks," John had said as they had passed Ronon without appearing to notice him. "No one's going to miss them."

Clearly everyone else agreed, judging by all the sympathetic glances and pats on the shoulder McKay received everywhere he went. The mess had even announced that they were going to make especially certain that not a trace of citrus went anywhere near any of the food for a good long while. Instead they were using avocado in everything, knowing full well that it was a taboo food in Satedan culture.

It just wasn't fair. Ronon couldn't see how he could ever get everyone to forgive him. He began spending more and more of his time on his own, developing training routines which, when taught to the marines, would increase their efficiency in close combat by a few hundred percent. But whenever he tried to show anyone he was coldly shrugged off.

"This is the punishment you deserve," Teyla sternly told him.

Eventually, one night, he went to the Gateroom once everyone had gone to bed. Only Chuck was there, reading a magazine with his feet on the console. "What do you want?" he asked Ronon.

"I want to leave through the Gate," Ronon said. He had a few of his belongings in a duffel bag over his shoulder.

Chuck gestured at the bag with a mild expression of disinterest. "Going on vacation?"


Chuck shrugged. "Well, ok. I doubt anyone'll mind if I just let you through."

Ronon nodded sadly as the Gate was dialled. The blueness swallowed him up and took away the place he had come to call his home.

On the other side of the Gate, Sateda was just as he had last seen it. Grey and broken, like his heart. Ronon sighed and started walking. This place, ruined as it was, was now all that he had left.


Several days later they came for him from Atlantis. Ronon froze in his position in the ruins where he had been hunting for rats to eat. He waited for them to give up and leave, but they didn't.

"He should be right over here," Rodney's voice rang out clearly. "I'm getting a strong life sign."

There was no good hiding. Ronon stood up slowly, wondering if they had come to put him out of his misery. He wouldn't be surprised.

"There you are!" Teyla shouted, as she ran over and hugged him. "We are so relieved to have found you!"

"It took you long enough," Ronon said, in a slightly sulky way.

Rodney looked ashamed. "We didn't notice that you were missing for a while. We got used to you not being around."

"But we are All Very Sorry," Teyla said firmly. The capital letters were practically visible in the air.

"Yes," John agreed. "We are Very Sorry that you had to go through this. Since we noticed you were missing we have realised how much you mean to us."

"And they aren't going to serve avocado-based products in the mess anymore," Rodney chipped in. "The catering staff are Very Sorry too."

Ronon had to sniff fiercely to rein in the single tear which was threatening to trace a shining path down through the stubble on his cheek. "I forgive you all, now that I realise finally that I was appreciated all along. And now that you are All Very Sorry."

Teyla patted him awkwardly on the shoulder. "No one will shun you anymore, you have my word. I cannot believe that I have been so blind to your suffering, my friend. Think nothing further of betraying my trust and risking trade agreements by recklessly murdering people."

"It's true!" Rodney agreed. "We'll have forgotten about all it by next week, in the excitement caused by John turning into a bug, and none of this will ever be mentioned again except in the context of cheap jokes."

Ronon felt a glow of warmth inside him as they stepped back through the Gate. On the other side the population of Atlantis was lined up to apologise, with lots of food. He thoroughly approved.


A few days later Rodney and John tried to recreate the super-weapon and this time ended up destroying three star systems and half an asteroid field. But John turned into a bug before they could tell anyone about it.

Current Location: Revising (honest!)
Current Mood: gigglygiggly
michelel72: SGA-Ronon-Glaremichelel72 on June 10th, 2010 04:15 am (UTC)
Oh, no! Not the dread avocado! But ... avocados mean guacamole, but that requires lemon juice — oh the bitter irony!

But at least they are All Very Sorry. Hee!
Frith: Team - not lostfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 09:58 am (UTC)
Why is there logic here logic doesn't fit in post-Trinity stories :P

How could they not be All Very Sorry?! They were meeeean to poor woobie Ronon!! xD
michelel72: SGA-Ronon-Suavemichelel72 on June 10th, 2010 02:32 pm (UTC)
Pssh. There can too be logic in post-Trinity stories. Those are the best kind! Because then they get all meta about the show's strange ideas of who deserves consequences versus what Will Never Be Spoken Of Again (and what is or is not betrayal)! Except for the cafeteria staff. I can buy the scientists, the military, and the theoretical other civilian staff, given the right explanation, but I really didn't ever understand the cafeteria stuff. Heh.

You know I'm now thisclose to trying to plot out a serious version of this? Begone, emo plotbunny! Besides, I think it'd go less "emo" and more "damaged socialization, leading to angry/alienated Ronon striking out across Pegasus on his own and never looking back". Of course, my own actual post-Trinity is going all angry too. I may need to ask myself what's up with that ....
Sholio: Ronon sunsholio on June 10th, 2010 08:06 am (UTC)

It's the Revenge of the Post-Trinity Fic! I think everything is in here, too ... the shunning, the cafeteria staff inexplicably participating, the tragic exile, and naturally Everyone Learns a Valuable Lesson (except the person being shunned, of course!)!

Also, the conspicuous non-shunning of Rodney made me LOL.
Frith: Ronon - redfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 09:45 am (UTC)
This was far too fun an idea not to write! Oh, Trinity cliches, how I love thee.

Shunned? Why would Rodney be shunned? I don't remember him doing anything serious! *gg*
Astridastridv on June 10th, 2010 09:29 am (UTC)
That'll teach'em! Poor woobie...
Frith: John+Rodney - Fearlessfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 09:45 am (UTC)
It will indeed :D
Thanks :)
leesa_perrie: Ronon Looking Homeleesa_perrie on June 10th, 2010 11:04 am (UTC)
LOL!!! Oh, excellently done!! I think you got all the cliches and took them all to their natural extremes - poor woobie Ronon!! LOL!
Frith: Teyla - wtf?frith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 11:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! Post-Trinity cliches are excellent, and then friendshipper said that Ronon was left out, so... this is the result. Ronon is such a natural woobie, donchathink? xD
schneefinkschneefink on June 10th, 2010 01:16 pm (UTC)
Warnings: Severe angst.

Can´t stop laughing. Oh, the evil evil mess staff. Ronon finally got what he deserves!
Frithfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 02:24 pm (UTC)
:D Glad you enjoyed it! I hope it wasn't too angsty ;P
wildcat88: Pretty Much Yeahwildcat88 on June 10th, 2010 01:23 pm (UTC)
I obviously haven't read enough post-Trinity fic because I wasn't aware of all the cliches. Didn't make this story any less hilarious though.

Avacado should be taboo in all civilized societies.
Frith: Team - teamworkfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 02:05 pm (UTC)
You haven't read the post-Trinity fic masterlist? :O

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed this! It is my mission to spread awareness both of the woobiness of Ronon and the evilness of avacado :D
Grey Lupous: teyla/ronongreyias on June 10th, 2010 02:20 pm (UTC)
I give this story a rating of three avocados, for the pronounced capitalization of "Very Sorry" alone XD

Think nothing further of betraying my trust and risking trade agreements by recklessly murdering people

*snort* Wait, I just had to bump you up to four avocados. Poor Ronon, at least everyone came to their senses at the end.
Frith: Teyla - vestfrith_in_thorns on June 10th, 2010 02:39 pm (UTC)
Aww, I feel honoured by the avacados! In fact, Very Honoured :D

Glad you enjoyed!